Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Let's see if Blogger eats my post again.

I am obsessed with Muse's new album Black Holes and Revelations, particularly the song "Starlight."

Muse reminds me of a strange cross between Radiohead and Queen. Thom Yorke meets Freddy Mercury. Muse's front man captures Yorke's angst ridden fever-pitch, but the epic dynamics of the instrumentation recall Queen at its campiest. Some tracks make me think immediately of Queen's rendition of the Flash Gordon soundtrack, with Ming the Merciless glaring down at me.

But "Starlight"—as cheesy and pop-commercial as it is—wonderfully evokes the existential torment of unrequited love. Here I am in a spaceship, chasing the evanescent light left behind by a woman who is forever beyond my reach. Who says astrophysics and romance don't mix?

And the final "I just wanted to hold…" is kind of haunting, an unfinished thought perhaps exstinguished by anoxia, as the on-board oxygen supply runs out. And yet somehow I don't find this song depressing at all.

I was driving down the freeway feeling like all-out crap, and then I dialed up "Starlight" on my iPod and sang along, all but shouting the lyrics, and I felt a lot better.

So what if I die all alone in the midst of the interstellar vacuum, trillions of miles away from anyone who ever cared about me, never catching up with the brilliant, beautiful woman of my dreams? I suspect it won't ever happen anyway, at least I learn to travel faster than light.

Bleh, this beta version of Blogger is eating my posts. This sucks.

But my apartment is a shambles. There is basically trash everywhere, my living room is a massive tangle of wires and cords. I'm completely paralyzed by all this.

This is not a viable existence.

I also wonder if there is a chance I'm manic, or at least hypomanic. You know how one of those cardinal symptoms of mania is going on massive shopping sprees. I guess the only thing that keeps me from admitting to suffering from bipolar disorder is the fact that I never seem to be happy. Sure, I do have those nights where I can't sleep at all because there are way too many thoughts in my head, and despite not sleeping, I wake up at the normal hour, or maybe even earlier.

I guess that's what's different this time.

My brain is totally spinning. Like a million and one ideas are racing in and out, half-formed, barely explicated.

Is this what it feels to go totally insane?

What sucks is that I can't do this vacation thing at all. I can't fucking relax. It's like all of the sudden all the thoughts and feelings I've been avoiding for the past ten years or so have come out to attack me.

It's all clear to me now. I really have been burying myself in my work. When I'm busy, I don't have to think about how the rest of my life sucks, and how I'm lonely, and how I'm fat and getting old and how horrifically in debt I am.

I had hoped that this one organizing principle, the fact that I like my work, would be enough to get my ass in gear, to fix up the rest of my life. But it isn't happening.

So here I am twiddling my thumbs, freaking out about God knows what, but not having anywhere to go. I mean, sure, I could just hop in my car and drive up and down California, but where will that really get me?

I'm all over the place.

I can't even organize my thoughts.

How the hell am I suppose to make order out of the chaos that is my life?

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I feel like I'm completely losing my mind. There are like ten trillion ideas whizzing around my brain. This can't be good for me.

I feel so fucking hopeless.

Starlight
by Muse

This song reminds me of this poem


Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing your starlight
until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

And hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
you in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to re-ignite
all the souls that would die just to feel alive

But I'll never let you go
if you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
you in my arms

Far away
The ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
of the people who care if I live or die

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Yeah
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

I just wanted to hold

Stop Complaining
by Skye Edwards

I don't know why
but I cant seem to find the right melody today
I can't make the words fit how I feel
I don't know when
was the last time that I slept the whole night through
and when morning comes around I feel tired

I woke up from the strangest dream
with a dancing dog and a beauty queen
they said nothing, nada, niente
I'm empty

But you're here and I'm here
so I stop complaining. It could be raining
and I see the answer in your eyes.
You're here and I'm here
I keep on singing, just keep on singing
Singing

Do you know why
I can't seem to find the right melody today?
Can't make the words fit how I feel
Do you know when
was the last time that I slept the whole night through?
Another morning comes around, I feel tired

I drive down to the rodeo
Gonna ride a bull in a video
But nothing, nada, niente.
I'm still empty

But you're here and I'm here
so I stop complaining. It could be raining
and I see the answer in your eyes
You're here and I'm here
I keep on singing just keep on singing
Singing singing singing

Monday, August 14, 2006

I guess I'm addicted. I told myself that I would stop blogging, that all I've been spewing is angst, guilt-ridden, self-pitying, depressing, angst, and no one wants to hear it.

I am so alone in this world that I wonder if anyone except my mother will show up at my funeral.

But, as I've said before, the music helps.

Everything will be OK. I really believe that.