What sucks is that I can't do this vacation thing at all. I can't fucking relax. It's like all of the sudden all the thoughts and feelings I've been avoiding for the past ten years or so have come out to attack me.

It's all clear to me now. I really have been burying myself in my work. When I'm busy, I don't have to think about how the rest of my life sucks, and how I'm lonely, and how I'm fat and getting old and how horrifically in debt I am.

I had hoped that this one organizing principle, the fact that I like my work, would be enough to get my ass in gear, to fix up the rest of my life. But it isn't happening.

So here I am twiddling my thumbs, freaking out about God knows what, but not having anywhere to go. I mean, sure, I could just hop in my car and drive up and down California, but where will that really get me?

I'm all over the place.

I can't even organize my thoughts.

How the hell am I suppose to make order out of the chaos that is my life?