Wednesday, October 27, 2004

it's kind of creepy if i think too hard about it. but what is there really to do when you're trapped in the bowels of a hospital at 3 in the morning, with naught but an internet connection to keep you company?

so i've been getting my tarot cards read online. interestingly, it kind of told me to let go of the past.

which is, sadly, despite it being a good six years since it all went down, something that i mull over during my downtime.

among all the various crushes and half-assed attempts to get into women's pants, there is only one woman who stands out, and she is the one with which i went absolutely nowhere. it was so destined to not happen, and it so impossible for anything to happen at this point.

there is a circle in hell which consists of horny people stuck in the friend zone.

yeah. not that anything really ever happened after things never happened with her. (man, that's a weird sentence.) i like to think of myself (in a masochistic way, because i really don't like, but i say i do) as a born-again virgin.

it'd be funny, except that it's happening to me. (you know what they say, everything is funny as long as it's not happening to you.)

but, yeah, enough wallowing in self-pity. the thing is, the cards told me to let go, and so i'm trying to let go, and that made my heart a lot lighter. i mean, it doesn't really change anything whatsoever. i know i'll be the same chickenshit coward that i've always been when it comes to women. but at least i've stopped lying in bed every night wanting to kill myself.

so here's the creepy part. for whatever crazy-ass reason, i thought about this other woman who i met around the same time, who i've lost touch with completely after college. googling is to little avail.

all of the sudden, my heart yearns.

this is not exactly letting go of the past.

then there's this other woman at work, which is just a disaster, because everyone knows that you should never try to date at work, particularly if the object of your affection is unequal to you in terms of the social hierarchy. (hierarchies. what shit.)

so here i am mentally masturbating as usual. because everyone who knows me knows that i won't do a goddamn thing to save myself. i'm like those stupid pandas who refuse to fuck, thereby dooming the future of their entire species.

i am so doomed. and yet i have this feeling that god or destiny or whatever you want to call it is playing this massive horrible joke on me and is going to allow me to live to be like 93 or something awful like that, alone and forever hopeless.

i must've really pissed someone off in a former life. or they might have misapportioned some karma.

what i wouldn't give for life to have it's own reset button.


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